In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You Might Also Like
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”