Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
me after drinking all the wine:
*jingles half the way*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.