*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?