Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
President The Rock Obama
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.