Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
White parent Vs Arab parents
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.