You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”