Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
You Might Also Like
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My dog learned how to text
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
no cat here
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
WHY?!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.