Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.