My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre