me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
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Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them