Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“you changed” bro i was 15
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire