Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.