I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?