“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Knock Knock
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love