Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Pigeon open mic night.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender