First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy