What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer