FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.