Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
What’s so funny?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did