If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.