My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
You Might Also Like
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.