me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A