The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.