PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Animal poetry
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Baller is short for ballerina
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo