me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day