Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Fries, not lies.
me when the borders lift
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?