I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Weirdos gonna weird.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.