I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??