Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Bread puns are on the rise!
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman