Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Cashiers are always checking me out
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
be careful
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott