I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.