is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?