Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.