People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Meow?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.