It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Cashiers are always checking me out
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?