haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?