6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Meme Monday.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.