BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER