Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot