Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
LMAO
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I love you…
…r dog.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway