My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’d … I’d rather not.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what