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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer