It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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nyc:
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.