me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!