-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.