I’d … I’d rather not.
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff