Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
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I was bored.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing