the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Cha-ching is my safe word
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
That eye roll….
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want