You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner