I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
That was easy.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it